Prot. Artemy Vladimirov, prot. Alexander Ilyashenko and Yulia Sysoeva on choosing a spouse and creating a family
8 July The Russian Orthodox Church honors the memory of the holy pious princes Peter and Fevronia of Murom, who passed many trials to create a model of a Christian family.
The first of them had to endure the young prince in order to fulfill the will of God against the conventions of the world and marry the daughter of a dwarf. Unfortunately, even today many people are looking for themselves "in terms of parameters," forgetting about what the human soul really needs. The correspondent of the portal Orthodoxy.Ru asked Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov, archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko and mother Yulia Sysoev to share their thoughts about who we are looking for a partner in life, how not to succumb to the pressure of society in choosing a spouse and not to miss the person with whom you can live your whole life.
Archpriest Artemy Vladimirov, the senior priest and confessor of the Alekseevsky convent, a member of the Writers' Union of Russia:
- Peter, being a prince, of course, was looking for a couple, even, because it required convention. He was a nobleman and, surrounded by a noble boyar nobility, understood that his choice correlated with the destinies of the principality itself. Even at that time there were class restrictions in Old Russian society. Ill and covered with deprivation, he despaired of getting help, but wise Fevronia from the village of Laski (still this village near Ryazan) he healed. The prince promised to marry her, but later forgot about the promise he had made. And again he had lichens, and again Fevronia cured him. Then he realized that this is fate and a hasty word must be kept.
Saint Fevronia was unusually clever. We have no reason to think that she was not good. Most likely, it had a harmonious combination of external and internal. If she was a mean woman, she would not have looked at the grandee when she was already in princely clothes, in a sable fringe, traveled along the river and became the object of coveted attention. She put this daring man in place, shamed him in a very convincing manner, seeing his unclean intentions.
St. fevronia did not suit the husband of scandals, did not rule over them, did not try to subjugate him
Well, Saint Peter, after a short time, understood what he had gained in the person of Fevronia, who was distinguished by calmness, there was no obstinacy, no hysteria, unbalanced. She did not suit the husband of scandals, did not rule over them, did not try to subordinate him to herself, to plug her into the belt. But in it, judging by the text of the life, there is a special dignity, such humble grandeur, which is peculiar to people of grace. Her natural mind was joined also by the blessed enlightenment, through her God clearly acted, judging by the life and influence on the moral world of the people around her.
Thus, the young prince Peter was not free from certain stereotypes peculiar to his estate, but he was not a slave of these ideas. By the way, you can not call them wrong. Even in the XIX century, people strove to marry within their class in order to have more crossing points, revealing kinship not only in mutual attraction to each other, as different-sexed beings, but also as people of a single way of life, a common understanding of the purpose of life and style of life.
Peter's wife was admired, but this confession did not immediately come. As can be seen from the life of Saints Peter and Fevronia, the wives of the noble boyars were far from being so wise and wise on the word. They somehow drove their henpecked men into rebellion and sedition. And Saint Febronia humiliated her husband from Murom. Peter, who learned to believe in his wife's charisma, felt that God was patronizing her and she did not do anything so simple, trusted her judgment.
But it turned out that soon the stratification of society, strife, turmoil and chaos prompted the people to seek a gentle prince and his wife. Returning the winners, they lived happily and died happily in one day. Maybe this was the origin of this expression. And Saint Fevronia was a subject of admiration, everyone wanted to see her and communicate with her.
It is necessary not to be seduced by graceful facial features and slender figure, not to go about the lust of the eyes
In order not to succumb to stereotypes and not to miss that single person, one should not flatter himself, as King Solomon teaches us, by exquisite beauty, graceful features and slender figure, not to go about the lust of the eyes. This simple art is different and goats, and donkeys, and sheep. To see the very personality, qualities and qualities of the soul is a rare skill among young people, which tend to be deceived even more than to people who are sophisticated.
How not to succumb to stereotypes? To pray to God: "Lord, be wise, O Lord, instruct, Lord, govern. Reveal the holy, your good will. " Of course, in cordial matters, they say, there is no need to hurry. Do not make sudden decisions. "Ah, I am amazed at the arrow of Cupid! Oh, without you, I have no life! "And she, maybe, only thinks how to take the dacha of his father-academician to his hands. And many came across, elderly, universally recognized talented old people.
Art is to discern the spiritual wealth, faith, faithfulness, patience, sacrifice of its future half
The art is to discern the spiritual wealth, faith, faithfulness, generosity, creativity, patience, sacrifice of its future half. Sacrifice, it seems, is the main manifestation of love and ferments, sanctifies all other aspects of the personality. We will keep silent about such high qualities as devotion, tenderness, love for order, beauty, the ability to create beauty around oneself, to pinch off one's self, the beloved, in a piece, in order to leave space, space for the action of the native person. Efficiency, skill and sew, and cook, and flowers to plant, and feed the parrot.
The way to go through the length of your life is not to cross the field. It is necessary to somehow experience a person, to know what he is like in his labors, what he is in battle, how he behaves with the ladies, at the theater or at his mother's tea party. You need to look closely to determine if there is any disguised passion that he serves. And then the other takes courtship and does not recognize alcohol addiction in a chosen one, and then suddenly it pops up - very unpleasant.
So, we found out that the Murom Prince Pyotr did not fail at all. Having abandoned the superficial judgments he had learned in his youth, he found in the person of Fevronia's daughter the treasure of priceless treasure. According to the apostle Paul, the distinctive dignity of his wife is "the untamed beauty of a gentle and silent spirit" and "a man with a secret heart". One who is able to reflect on such subtle things, one who can see the true beauty of the human person, will never be caught by the outer glamor mask, under which everything can be empty and dead.
Do not want to miss a man with whom you can go the length of a lifetime, carefully look at him, maintaining that saving distance in communication, which is called a careful, chaste attitude to the interlocutor. If you feel that the soul of the neighbor is warmed by the warmth of pity and compassion, if it gives her sincere pleasure to serve the near word and deed if she is able to thank both God and people if she is able to calmly and consistently overcome the many obstacles that inevitably stand in the way of the good doers - then you have found what you are looking for, found your half, entered the path of unselfish love.
Julia Sysoeva, the widow of the murdered priest Daniel (+ 2009), brings up 3 daughters:
- Most recently I read a book by P.I. Melnikov "In the woods." The book takes place in the middle of the XIX century, a little at a time when princes ruled in Russia, moreover, the book describes the Old Believer society, and yet the book most fully reflects the mores and stereotypes of social life. A man at all times was overwhelmed by the burden of established folk traditions. One of them was a strict class of marriages and marriage rituals, beyond which it was not permissible to go out. Dared to go beyond this framework, the society cruelly revenged. This revenge turned into a heavy personal drama and tragedy. Someone will say: it was a long time ago - in those far, almost fabulous times for modern consciousness. Now, in the age of information technology, this is not the era of moral freedom and permissiveness. We are supposedly now independent of people, or of class prejudices: a man in himself. Even parents can not ask, marry or not join (if you just want to "cohabitation"). No matter how. People's rumor, the opinion of others continue to prevail over individual freedom of choice, and marriages for the sake of selfish motives have been and will be at all times.
To understand the history of Saints Peter and Fevronia, one must fantasize a bit and transfer it in modern times
In order to understand the history of Saints Peter and Fevronia, one must fantasize a bit and transfer it in modern times. Imagine that the "modern prince" - the son of wealthy high-ranking parents, who is putting forth great hopes in his field as a young man, will want to marry a simple village girl, the daughter of a simple logger. Perhaps, even now, in our so-called time liberated from prejudice - this will be nonsense. The modern prince, of course, himself will reflect on how he will introduce his young wife into his social circle, how she will look there and, of course, how his parents will accept such a marriage. Is it not shameful for him to appear with her in high society and so on and so forth. Imagining this situation, you begin to understand Peter's motivation, his doubts and feelings. Especially - at the time, about the customs of which it was said above. Yes, indeed, Peter did not immediately marry his betrothed, did not immediately recognize God's plan for himself. But even when they were already married, and the peasant girl Fevronia became the princess, the society did not forgive them. For the sake of their love they had to endure many sorrows and even exile. And now it is this married couple, who lived, it is possible to say, in times immemorial, whose life and customs were difficult to even imagine, became for us and our contemporaries an example of conjugal love, loyalty and true, and not human piety. As a reward for this love and loyalty, they received a blissful death in one day and hour and even after the death of their bodies remained inseparable. Perhaps, for us this is the ideal of marriage, to which every married couple should strive. Ability to bear the hardships and infirmities of each other, forget about oneself and one's ambitions for the sake of a loved one and to believe that the marriage bonds are created by Christ Himself, and the marriage was blessed by God in paradise, when the Lord, having created a helper to man, said: Let a man leave his father and mother and be cleave to his wife. "
And this means that marriage is not for itself, and even less for people - it is for the Lord, for life in Christ. Simply, it is often easier to walk together.
Archpriest Alexander Ilyashenko, rector of the Moscow Temple of the All-Merciful Savior, a member of the Writers' Union of Russia, chairman of the editorial board of the portal "Orthodoxy and Peace", the head of the project "Unexpected stories about the war": "
- How to find the only person with whom you can go the length of a lifetime? In my opinion, this is one of the most difficult issues that worried and worried people around the world. It happens that the Lord immediately confronts the right people with each other, but, unfortunately, this happens infrequently. The late father John (Krestyankin) said that young people need to be friends with each other for the first time, observing the spiritual purity. If during this time people do not quarrel, do not quarrel and many shortcomings do not overshadow the dignity, then young people can quietly create a family. In this most important question for each person, one can not make a decision quickly. Because we choose a companion for life, not a partner, which can be changed from time to time.
Today's freedom of morals goes back to the theory of a "glass of water" that existed in the 1920-ies: that a glass of water to drink, that to sleep with someone - the same thing. But lawless cohabitation is destructive for humans, especially for women, whose soul is much more fragile and vulnerable than the male. Often a man refers to cohabitation as an "episode", but for a woman's soul it is always a heavy loss. People in church marriage behave very differently, they carefully treat each other and their feelings, their thoughts are directed in one direction - to have a big friendly family, to bear children, which the woman in cohabitation with a man does not dare dream about.
We should choose our partner in life not only for ourselves, but above all for God. With a loved one, we will not only be pleased to live and raise children, but it is also easier to pass the tests sent by God, to serve the Lord. If a person lives according to conscience and the purity of the soul and the will of God is in the first place, then he will not look at purely human stereotypes: height, weight, appearance, and so on, but will act according to the call of the heart, as the saint eventually did pious prince Peter, married to a village girl, the future pious princess Fevronia.