I am the most unsuitable person to tell you about all this: I am a monk, never married, since 22 I have not been to weddings - so imagine how unfit I am to tell you about such things, because I have no connection with them. I left the Holy Mount Athos and I tell you what the fathers who were ascetics say, people who had nothing to do with all this.
When you read the fathers, you find this balance, this is the management of things. But why did they know about this? Because they lived correctly in the Church, and then no philosophy is needed to tell a person how to communicate with others.
This is what we learn in monasticism. Do not think that monasticism is different in this respect. In the monastery, we also learn to communicate with another person, and with the help of obedience, humility, with the help of telling him: "Forgive!" Understand that you are mistaken, and not the other. Maybe you have something right for something, you have the right to be outwardly. I have told this to the old man many times, and he answered us:
"If I were a judge, I would have told you:" You have the right. " But you have no right, even if you have the right to do so! Because you do not look at things spiritual.
Do something spiritual: take a mistake on yourself, say: "I'm wrong!" - even if the other is not right
Well, the other has insulted you, slandered, and you accept it in the spiritual, do not answer evil for evil. That you will not help him. So, one must take responsibility for oneself, and one great saint of the Church says: "Take the error on yourself, say:" Here I am mistaken! "" It does not matter that by law the other is not right. I am mistaken, and I undertake the error and responsibility. I'm learning to work within myself, so I can communicate with others, I'm learning to overcome myself and do everything that I'm trying to learn in the monastery.
Do you know how difficult this is? It is not easy, and in marriage it is also not easy, it is difficult, there it is just as difficult as in monasticism. That is, to learn how to communicate with others, to stand for ten hours on vigil and to spit the other next to you, snoring or foul-smelling. You do not want to endure it and say: "It irritates me!" And what does "it annoys me"? Nothing at all, you'll stand there.
I remember one monk on the Holy Mountain. In one of the monasteries there were many monks who received a sports education. At a certain time many young people from the sports academy in Athens became monks: some boxers, athletes, and they looked like giants. And there was one monk in this monastery who, poor, was small, and he was placed in the middle, and on either side of him stood boxers and looked at him like this, from the top down, during vigil. He said:
- I can not, I'm scared! I see above myself these creatures, which are 1.5 times higher than me!
But he had to stand there to learn to overcome himself, to break himself to accept another person, and not just say: "You know, I tolerate you!" This is unacceptable. Not "I endure you", but "I love you"! Here's how. Christ did not say to us: "Endure your enemy," but "love your enemy" (see: Matthew 5: 44)! We must die for our enemy, says Christ, we must love him as ourselves (see: Matthew 19: 19). And if you need to love the enemy as yourself, how much more is your spouse, neighbor, neighbor, colleague, brother.
The greatest feat for a man is to prevail against himself, and here the love of God helps
What seems so simple, about which we so easily speak, this is the greatest feat for a man - overcome himself. But that he did it so that he was not afraid, but also felt a certain comfort, he must first overcome death, so that he had no fear before her. And to achieve this, a person must taste immortality, feel that there is something beyond that, to taste God's love that frees you. It gives you a feeling of immortality with which you conquer death and are not afraid of anything anymore: not if you are slandered, if they offend, or even if they kill, nothing. You go through everything in a perfect world, without any difficulties, and precisely because you have real freedom, which is born from the right view of things, from the right connection with God and most of all from the presence and blessing of God.
Many people ask today: "Is it bad to have a relationship with someone?" Of course, children, when you will marry and want to take for yourself some girl, and women - a man, then - how would I put it? - You do not receive a black box, so that when you open it, a girl jumped out of there and it will not be sent to you by mail, that is, the will of God does not open like in a fairy tale. You will surely meet another person, with some girl, go for a walk with her, you talk, eat, sit, talk on the phone. Now they are talking for hours on the phone. And it's just a misfortune, if you need to call from a house in which there are young people, you're finished. Parents fit to spend another phone line, because the phone is constantly busy.
And since the line is only one, it is sometimes comical. That is, imagine if you remove the sound and look at your face in the mirror, what we do when we talk on the phone ... Sometimes I watch people in cars when they are talking on the phone, and now, as they are afraid that the police will catch them , it looks even funnier. That is, they speak into a microphone that is attached somewhere, and you look at the person, and he goes to himself and smiles, waving his arms, frowning, or depicting complete bliss. That is, if not for this device, then it would have to be shown to the psychiatrist, something is wrong with him.
Or you look: someone steers with an incomprehensible smile on his face. That is, we have already learned how to speak through these things and express ourselves through them. You look, as he speaks on the phone and even expresses his love for him: he strokes or suddenly starts to beat him. And how many mobile phones were launched into the air?
Yes it is. All this made us impersonal beings. We became wires, we communicate through wires. All by wire.
I want to say that we really can and should get acquainted with another person. Listen, we need to overcome these unhealthy fears. The church teaches us to properly look at the person next to him. In monasticism we also learn to look at another person beautifully and sacredly. The Holy Apostle Paul says that in Christ there is neither male nor female (see: 3: 28), which means that you step over the floor and do not look at another as a man or a woman. The church insists on the person, on the person's name: Kostya, Maria, Elena, George, that is, the person has a name, and not the sex mainly represents us, as the doctors say.
For example, someone goes to the clinic, and the doctor says: "Let the bile come in," "Let the liver go," "Let the blind go in." Do not they have a name? Am I bile if I suffer from bile?
I do not know if you heard, children, but the doctors ask: "Who's this guy?" "It's bile," "It's stones." Okay, but it's Kostya who has a problem with bile. He is a man who has such a disease. He's not bile, not light, not heart.
So the other person is not only male or female sex, he is a person, a person. And when we learn to have this sacred feeling, then you really can go out with some girl: she will not eat you, and you will not eat it either. For God's sake, are we really going to eat each other right away if we go out into the street? Walk, sit somewhere, talk. That is, is it no longer possible that two people will just talk and there will be no slyness, something carnal and dangerous?
Yes, but how can a person be sure of this if he is taught from a small age to look at another in a certain way? All these things that advertise ... Unfortunately, the biggest peril comes from those shameless things that are shown on TV, so as not to call them by their names. But these are cattle things, such bestial things, that ...
It's terrible how a person's soul is damaged when he looks at it. I think someone who looks at such vicious things, magazines and films, then he needs a huge amount of work to overcome this and look at the other with an innocent gaze. While the mind of a pure person does not even rush there. He is not that and quite comfortable communicating with another.
Our goal is to learn to overcome these difficulties and have a comfortable, beautiful relationship. That is, not gender is mainly characterizes us. In the Church, these moments are canceled, but not in the sense that we are becoming some kind of neutral sex, no! And in the sense that we already really communicate as people, and these moments acquire a sacred character and dignity. Therefore, we can calmly learn another person, respecting him, loving, and respecting another person, respecting ourselves, the presence of God, without saying any lies and without making false promises.
You see that the betrothal is committed before God, before many witnesses, and you say: "I want this girl so that we would go with her in life and she became my wife." This is very serious - to say: "I love this man" - and prove it, and receive God's blessing. You admit it to all people, before God, and even as a guarantee, you put on rings that show that you are really acting seriously.
It is very important and serious - to think about what promise you will give to another person
It is very important and serious to think that you will tell another person what promise you will give: "I really love you and I want us to be married so that we could live together for life!" Which means that much more precedes it: maturity, but most of all the realization that these words are extremely important for another person. For you, they may be insignificant, but for another - yes. And you have no right to play with the feelings of another person.
Know that whoever betrayed others will pay for it. It's not easy if the other one murmurs because of us, weep because of us, because the hour will come when we will pay for it. And this is nothing that we will pay: we must pay. That is, we will be hurt to learn not to hurt others. When in our life there are different troubles and people injure us, then let's remember that we once wounded others.
It is very unpleasant for another to cry because of us, that is, that we become the reason that the other will begin to grumble - how would I say it? - that the other is hurt, even if he does not express it aloud. As well as the great blessing will be to us, if the other will pray for us.
Look, children, when we go to the wedding and wait for us to serve, why do we do it? Why? At our celebrations we treat ourselves to delicious dishes, so that they please people. In reality, we do this so that the other will eat, rejoice and say: "Be alive and well! I ate a good dish, tasty, my soul rejoiced, and I wish you to be alive and well, my child! "As in prayer:" For You have cheered me up, O Lord, with Thy creature "(Psalm 91: 5).
We ate a good meal-thank God. The Church teaches us to perform a whole "liturgy" before sitting down at the table. If you go to the monastery, then we eat 20 minutes, but around this a whole "liturgy" is being performed, we eat and drink; it's an adventure - to taste this food. And why? Because you are satisfied, you rejoice and bless God.
A hungry person can not wish you anything good. The meaning of the meal at the wedding is: "Eat this goodness, so that your soul may rejoice and that you wish me to be alive and healthy!" That's what it means.
And I bring you a gift to express my great love for you. What great value it has to say to the other from all your soul: "Be alive and well, God bless you"! Remember, children, we all have friends who, when we remember them, we are heartily hungry: "Let this man live and be healthy!" This comes from within us, and we feel that there is a force coming from us, which covers this person, wherever he is.
Moreover, children, when another person is hurt by us, then he can and do not curse us, not to grumble at you if he is a church man, but this wound and pain are a huge burden on you. This is a very difficult matter - to injure another, this is a serious wound. That is, the hour will come when we will pay for it.
You say, "But I repented!" Yes, you repented, but the other got a wound. You repented, and God accepts your repentance, but to make your repentance complete, we, unfortunately (I pray that this does not happen), must pay for it. Usually these things are returned back, as with abortion. The mother or the one who kills the child says, "Yes, I did one abortion, but then I confessed!" Well, you confessed, repented, cried, but there is always one "but" - the person who went to the next world. Who will pay for it? Who can replace it? Who will pay for this wound?
We must be very serious. Never stab another person. Better not tell another that you do not love him, wait, leave him to languish in anticipation. Do not tell him that. Let him not know it better, even if he asks you a thousand times, so that you say such a sick word to him.
Therefore, we must always have this sense of responsibility and be consistent in relation to the other, to God and ourselves. This is what the Church establishes with the help of the Sacrament of Marriage, and our presence there about it is exactly what it says - how important it is to have the right attitude to another person. She does not do it secretly, but in the temple, before all people: before the priest, before your parents, before God, and you even vouch in this, that is, the ring is a guarantee and guarantee that you will really be serious about this connection !!