The lecture of Father Fyodor Borodin about the upbringing of children was so well liked by our readers that we decided to decipher it and publish it in textual form as well.
Archpriest Feodor Borodin with his family
- Dear brothers and sisters, we are glad to see you all at our educational courses, and today we have a guest - Archpriest Fyodor Borodin, rector of the Church of the Holy of Spirits. Cosmas and Damian on Maroseyka. The theme of our meeting today is "How to raise a happy child?" Father Fyodor, you have the floor.
- Hello, dear brothers and sisters. I'm not an educator or a psychologist by education, therefore, rather, I will share experience - both positive and negative. I 26 years in marriage, I have 8 children's children. The oldest is 25 years, the youngest 3,5. And there are a lot of children in the parish, many families with many children, so the topic is close, over which I think all the time, and therefore I can tell something about it. But the first thing you need to understand: in the upbringing of a happy child, a happy marriage of parents is needed, and this is unconditional. And this is a problem not only where the divorce took place, but even where it is, that nowadays a great rarity, as you know, did not take place. The fact is that the family is such a task, which must be solved every day. And at some point a person can discover that everything is on the verge of breaking into misunderstanding, into emptiness, in ... There are such words in Anna Akhmatova's "loneliness together." And it seemed like everything was fine, they sort of agreed on everything, understood each other, were happy, loved each other, and suddenly - nothing. After a long time spent in the family, I can testify that there are such periods. Suddenly a man comes who has 5, 6, 7 children, to Confession and says: everything, nothing is left, a stranger, I do not know what to do. And the children feel this lightning fast. The fact is that not one of the spouses is static in his spiritual development. And a person is not equal to himself during different periods of his life, a person develops, he becomes different. I change, it changes, and constantly need to get used to each other. This requires effort, above all, of course, this requires humility from the person, because the family is a kind of contract. So, we agreed, we chose some kind of shared values system - first of all, this is the Gospel. And this is fundamentally important, why marriages with unbelievers are so complex. You all, probably, were at the wedding, someone performed this sacrament, someone prayed at the performance of the sacrament over the others, you remember the anal, it is the Gospel, the priest, taking her hands and him, leads around three times. It is a symbol of the eternal unity of these people, which is based on what is written in this Book. If written in this book for one of the spouses is not the basis of his life, sooner or later it will lead, well, almost always, to collapse. And there are a lot of such broken families, and we are in the parish too.
In the education of a happy child, a happy marriage of parents
So, a loved one is ... At my wedding a good friend of my parents said a very good toast. He said that a loved one looks like someone with a crumpled paper on which there is some very important text, and your whole life, your whole life will be unfolding this paper and going into this text. A beloved person is a person who develops God's Providence, changes, God sets different tasks for him in different periods of his life, and before me, too. And, once again, it takes a lot of work. Yes, in order to understand - you can say roughly enough - in order to understand another person, and this applies to any person, not only to the spouse, you have to be able to shut up, shut up, stop your value judgment and just try to hear it. In marriage - the same thing. Suddenly it turns out that a lot has changed in the person, and you are not ready, but everything is static in you, nothing changes, like you are going on normally, calmly in life. This is the first, this is a necessary condition - love between mom and dad. The child will not be happy if this love is not there. What do you need to practically support it? However hard it may be, however wonderful the services of a husband or wife, work, creative work, it may even be a priesthood - it is necessary to spend time separately from children, at least sometimes. Categorically it is necessary to sit down and talk, go somewhere, do something together. Otherwise, especially if it's an Orthodox family, where there is usually not one child, but one after another pogodki, two or three years break - it may be that 5-6 years do not occur. Boils, gets doubts, convictions, new problems, and the skill to discuss them goes away. Here, you need time for their wording, notation, discussion, you need a skill for this, be sure. This is the first condition, because without this, without love between father and mother, of course, the child will be unhappy.
What if the family disintegrated? Compensate for this loss, in general, it is impossible. You can only partially fill this void with some practical steps. But I can say that my parents divorced 38 years ago, I was then 12 years old, and this part of my soul hurts so far. If, as I think, there are people here who also divorced their parents when they were in their teens, then this wound does not heal, and the consequences of this divorce, those spiritual and spiritual destruction - a nuclear explosion in the child's world occurred. These consequences, I began to evaluate them and see only years through 15 after that, maybe even more - years through 20, as it happened. Then I realized that we must work on them, they must be healed. And, of course, for the child this is a huge tragedy, irreplaceable. I'll tell a story like a grandmother, our parishioner, taking her daughter, who was abandoned by her husband, and her grandson, to a summer residence for the summer, became a witness of how he goes somewhere in the field every day to play. 10 years old child, 11-12. She decided to take a look, followed him. Here he goes out into the field, she hid somewhere behind the bush so that he would not see, get up in full growth and start shouting: "Dad! Papa! "And he never saw my father, the pope left at once, and did not even pay alimony. Here he will scream, cry, wipe his tears, return home. That is, the child's soul yearns, he is wounded by it. There are some ways to partially compensate for all these losses, but about this, maybe a little later. This is the first, love between parents.
The child does not have his own strength to resist evil
Second, the child needs control. The child feels unhappy, he does not understand the world that surrounds him, if he does not feel parental authority. Very often, modern parents try to become only friends to their child. We are very close friends, but we can not be friends. The fact is that the parental authority is given by God, and any power necessarily requires service to curb evil, that is, the growth of evil in the child. And this power is necessary, no matter how the teachers blurted out the opposite: the child does not have his own strength, there is no strength to resist evil. And this force must be in the father and mother. And if they do not resist evil in the soul of the child, then the child, of course, is unhappy, simply because evil absorbs him. It's clear, if you see that your child climbs into a computer game, he can not resist it. I have a friend, a classmate for school, he is 50 years old, his last marriage broke up because he played in Tanchiki. Now, he could not cope with this in any way, with the peak of this game coincided with the World Cup, and his wife could not stand it. She said: "I can not, he's like a drunkard. He is not at home, he is there. " If an adult, a strong person can not resist it, then how will the child resist it? Despite all his cries and stuff, we need to take away from him this opportunity or reduce it to a minimum. Suppose he plays some kind of normal game without killing, into a strategy, for example, which you checked, once a week, on Sunday evening, or twice a week. That is, the struggle for the purity of the child's soul is a necessary condition. He can not resist temptations, if the parent resigns from this responsibility, then the child, of course, is very bad. And he, of course, is unhappy, because these things also destroy the qualities of the soul, above all, destroy the will. I've never smoked, but my parishioners, schoolmates around the school faced a lot of this problem, one of the people sitting here, too, is facing it. And I, when I was a child, I thought that adults resist this, so what's wrong with that. And when the parishioners of our church began to fall into it, I realized what was happening. All our asceticism consists of a large number of small cases. Every day we train our will to defeat our passions and sins: take a little thought, do not yell at the answer that you stepped on your foot, wash the dishes when you do not want to. This is such a practical thing. Returning myself to prayer, to reading, despite the fact that I want to lie on the couch and take the remote from the TV. And smoking is the reverse process: every day I train 10 or 20 times my will to lose. That's why statistics are: most often it happens that if a teenager has lit, most likely all the other sins will also be his, most likely, he can try alcohol, now it is completely accessible, narcotic drugs are likely to be fornication, and it will be bad with study, and here - the will is amazed. And where was I, as a parent, when did it start? Why did I not limit this? This is such a small illustration.
The next thing I would like to say is to understand a little more deeply what happiness is. Happiness is, in general, a secular term, not a Christian term. For us there is a deeper word - bliss, that is, happiness, which implies a properly built, established relationship with the Lord. And we have the words of Jesus Christ, who did not enter the Gospel, which the apostle Paul says when he meets with the Ephesian presbyters. He says: "It is more blessed to give than to receive," that is, to give more happiness than to receive. This is the most important thing for us, as for Christians. That is, it is more blessed to serve than to be served. This is the principle, I think, you discussed this at previous meetings, when they talked about family happiness, I guess. Yes, was it? This is the main principle of happiness married, which is now completely forgotten. I had such an episode when a church person, an altar boy of our church, married, with a child, decided that his family was over. A believing man, taking communion, he decided that everything. And we sat with him after the service on a bench in the temple, and there for an hour 3 I talked with him. I asked: "Do you have anything to blame?" - because the wife was to blame for everything. He said: "Yes, I am guilty, I still had one mistake, I was too soft from the very beginning. And then I got tired of it all. " And I say: "And when you were married, did you want to make her happy?" The reaction was such that he looked at me like this: "An interesting idea, Father Fyodor, I did not think about it." You see, a man 4-th dozen, gray hair appeared already. Here is the person who marries, marries, because he is in the middle, and into orbit, which he came up with and created in his head, must become someone else and twist around in a certain way around him. This is the way to the misfortune of the family. And the same with children.
If a child does not learn love as a service, he misses the main thing in Christianity
So if a child does not learn love as a service, he, first, misses the main thing in Christianity, because we know the Son of God as saying: Christ came, not to be served, but to serve and give his soul for the salvation of many (cp Math 20, 28). And we, each of us, go the way of Christ. And secondly, he condemns himself to the impossibility of becoming blissful, if narrowed, then happy. Therefore, every child must work, work spiritually, mentally and physically. That is, he must understand that if the mother is tired and went to bed, he can not scream. All whims should not be fulfilled. He should not be rude in any case. There are, in my opinion, three things for which the child must be punished. This rudeness, this is a conscious lie, and this schadenfreude. For broken cups and plates, there is absolutely no need to punish. And these sins that began to germinate in it, they must be stopped, they must be weeded out, as we cut out the weeds in the garden. If he does not learn to serve, limit himself, if he does not learn to accept for another person, then it will be very difficult for him in life. It will be very difficult for him to create a family, which is why it is easier to learn to accept a child from a large family, at least where two or three are better. Why - because it is understandable: here he is the younger, such a sore navel of the earth, and now someone appeared next to him, because of which he was told: "Shut up, do not wake up. Be patient, share. " These are all such practical exercises on the Christian attitude to the world. The only thing I want to do is make a small footnote: when the next child appears, you will inevitably limit the previous child, and you have to caress a lot, he needs a lot of attention. You need to put it on your knees, maybe someone has already passed from you: a baby appears, the previous child puts on his diapers, wraps himself in diapers, sucks a nipple, and fits. Anything he does, just to get his attention back. It is useless to punish, it must be taken to its knees and simply to squeeze it, to kiss, and all problems will pass. That is, he is looking for an answer, is he also loved, as before?
Here, and the situation itself, of course, forces him to serve. Necessarily it should be expressed in some kind of household chores, that is, the child should be given some household duties besides his own bed, the table on which his textbooks are laid out, the shoes he puts in place - he should have some part obscheemeynogo obedience to restore order. There were three of us - the elder sister, the younger brother and me, when we were small, my mother distributed the duties between us in a certain way: I set the table, cleaned the table, swept the corridor and went for bread, my sister washed dishes and went to the bakery, went for the dairy. And now, if the dishes are unwashed, I felt calm, if not removed from the table, then I'm physically ill. You see, I feel bad, I can not, and it's so bent into me, and I'm so grateful to my mother for that, you know? The problem is not that you should tell the child: why do not you help me, do not you feel ashamed, go, clean up. This does not work. You must give him specific cases, which you insistently demand of him, until he himself learns to answer for them. First, this service: he understands that there is a general load, part of which he bears. Family: Dad comes home tired from work, my mother is tired, now, I do it. And secondly, in it the mechanism of responsibility for any concrete segment of any doing is got. He then, if you instruct him to take out the garbage, in 5 years of how you saw him, passing the trash can, he tied the package himself, takes out and inserts a new one, without a reminder, everything: this mechanism appeared in it. He can be the commander of the company, the rector of the church, anyone, he can be responsible for the process. Here, this is the position of the goalkeeper. Here, the midfielder and defender can miss the ball, and if I miss the ball, then there will be a goal. I have to organize everything so that this case is done. Do not trust in someone. Here is my advice from my childhood and the fact that I now practice with our children is a clear division of responsibilities. First of all, because this service, and this creates a person, brings it closer to a blissful state, on the basis of the words of Christ, we think so. It's easier for you, otherwise you will do everything around the house, which is completely wrong, you will educate the egoist. And you will help him in his future life, because here he will get a job ... Here I realized how this cleaning took place from the table: I began to serve in another church in Moscow, and when the abbot left - and I was just an ordained priest, there was another priest, older, very spiritually experienced, a wonderful confessor, a man of the widest education and self-education - while the abbot, leaving, entrusting services, explained everything to me. I say: "Father, why are you telling me everything?" He says: "That father will forget, but you will remember." And then the cleaning from the table worked, that is, I will not forget, although, of course, the authority of the second priest and mine was completely different. And it never occurred to us to change places. But nevertheless, organizational skills should appear in your child as a child.
Another important thing, perhaps, is the most important conclusion I made for myself. We now have a huge number of families with you, where children completely break away from their parents by the end of the transition period. Here, in 18, 19 years father, mother is not authority, it can be rudeness and rudeness, it can be just ignoring. It is often ridiculous that a child does not hear what the father says to him and basically does not agree, and at the same time he hears and follows the same opinion from an outsider, that is, the authority of the father or mother is completely destroyed. And, unfortunately, this is not an exceptional case, it is in a huge number of families. Somehow, Petya from the street is more authoritative for me than my father. But this is catastrophically wrong. So it should not be, right? So it should not be, this is a completely broken system of relationships, and it has become the rule.
Why is this happening? The fact is that we generally have an almost completely destroyed system of parenthood in our country. It all began with a revolution, when everything that fathers and forefathers did was declared ridiculous, shameful or criminal. And all that was before 1917 year, everything was wrong. We passed any literary work from the point of view of the class struggle, that everything was bad, you know? It's funny now, you know, but there was such a joke that Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, foreseeing the revolution, wrote a poem "October has already come." But she was born out of that, really, as it was all taught: everything was wrong before. But this is a violation of the principle of paternity. And the principle of fatherhood, the relationship of the parent and the child, he is generally the basis of our faith, because when the apostles ask Christ: teach us to pray, how to pray to us, because this is not just a question, a man asks the Lord: Lord, Who are You to me? Are you me Judge, are you the Creator? You just punish me when I'm wrong, and reward you if I'm doing the right thing, or do not you care? Perhaps, as the French educators, the great watchmaker, who said you had an ideal mechanism and left, just said, you just watch how each of us is grinded by these gears? Maybe you just do not care, maybe you're indifferent? The Lord says, "No. You refer to God as to the Father. " By the way, the tragedy of our time is that it was very good to start talking about Christianity in the previous decade with the parable of the prodigal son. And now I come to the school class, and I understand that almost everyone who's sitting there does not live with dads, they do not know what a normal father is. And this example, which the Lord took to tell what God expects any penitent person and is ready to accept in any situation, he now requires additional clarification, he ceased to be an internally obvious example for a person. You see, the tragedy in what, before this was not. We must seek another beginning of the conversation about Christianity. And these relations were destroyed, because a huge number of fathers perished in repression, in the Civil War, in World War II. Those who did not die are millions of people who were sitting, this must not be forgotten either. This temple is for the martyrs, those who suffered and were killed for the faith. And how many people were not killed for the faith? At you to the child 3 of year, you put on 18 years, you leave, to him - 21. Nobody is guilty, but you are a stranger to him, you see? You were not there, and you can not do anything, and he is embarrassed by you, because you are struck with rights, and if you find out at work, you will not get anywhere at all. And the whole country is like that. My father and mother both grew up without fathers, both were killed at the front in 1942, and they could not keep the family, because neither he nor she - they saw a normal family, they did not have this behavioral scenario. They did not, as we now say, have these archetypes of behavior. While my sons were teenagers, it was very easy for me, I somehow remembered how Papa did and Mom acted when they lived together. Naturally responded to some things, and when they became closer to 20, I realized that I have nowhere to take, I do not have this example, because my father did not live with us, since my 12 years, although we communicated. He died already, I love him very much, I do not blame him in any way, I do not have the right to do so.
The beginning of rudeness is the condemnation of parents
By the way, this is one more thing that the child should be banned. The beginning of rudeness is the condemnation of the parents. That is, dad can make mistakes, but we will not discuss this with you. It is extremely important for the child that the parent should be able to ask for forgiveness from the child. This is fundamentally important, why? Because if I insist on my own as my own, the child will question it much faster than if I insist on the law that is also mandatory for me. Therefore, if I fell into irritation, yelled at the child and punished him unfairly, or was just irritated, which is already bad in itself, because punishment in irritation does not work - I sin, the child understands it. And the essence of what is happening, eludes, punishment is not committed as a change in the child. I apologize, and he understands that there is a law of God over us, which is obligatory for all. And the child becomes much calmer, also because when a parent asks for forgiveness, the child understands that he is respected. This is the next item, absolutely necessary for the happiness of the child. The child should know that he is respected when he 3 year, when he 7, when he 12, when he 18. No matter how unpleasant he was at the age of transition, however ugly it all looked - and it looks very ugly - he must understand that he is valuable, that his opinion is important.
Maybe you remember on your own how important it is that your father and mother listen to you. It's not only parents, it's at school. Suddenly the literature teacher listened to you. And your inner world grows very much from this. You feel much more responsibility. If they listen to you, then your opinion means something. But this is the gap that usually occurs in our transition years. Of course, now he's like a hurricane. You know, a child recently came to Confession the first time with his mother, there's no pope there. Confession he began with these words: "I have a transition period, so I can not cope, so I'm boorish, so-and-so, this means." But the meaning was this - I have a transitional age, so I can. Now, I do not remember exactly how he formulated it, but he said it very well then. We talked with him, of course, later, that this is not an excuse.
But what happens in the transition years? We are not raising a child for ourselves. We all declare this, but it is very difficult to understand and realize this. This is a huge task that we have not encountered while they are small, so it will be difficult to decide when they will grow up. He will decide what he does; on whom he marries; how and what will he have in the family; what kind of balance he will have in the family with his wife; who will decide what. And we can not interfere with this. We can advise when we are asked. We can help. But we can come to the family, for example, the mother-in-law comes to the family, and she should approach the daughter-in-law and say: you are the landlady, what can I do for you? And not so: well, quickly wash there, because my son is accustomed to cleanliness, but what have you been doing here. This is unacceptable, absolutely. Again, from what it is born? We love - own, we do not love - we serve. Therefore, my son, like this - he first her husband, and then my son, although the previous 25 years he was first my son, and then all the rest. This is a very difficult task, it is difficult to be silenced to preserve relations, not to destroy a young family. And how many young families are destroyed by mother-in-law and mother-in-law, you all know very well.
That's when the child begins a transition period, he begins to explore the surrounding world, realizing God given him the freedom. He must do this, we must help him in this. This is normal. We educate him not for himself, he is given to us for a while. Then he, remaining our child, becomes our very close friend, brother or sister in Christ, in the Kingdom of God. It can be extremely deep relations, friendly, including respect and veneration of parents. But nevertheless it is the relationship of two free people. And he starts to master it. How freedom is mastered, what is the easiest way to do it? The easiest way is to smoke a cigarette, spit on the asphalt, drink beer and swear. Do you understand? You seem to behave like an adult uncle when you are 14 years old. And we must reject parental care. All that the mother wears: scarf, no, I will not wear it, let me catch a cold, it does not matter. Now, it's important that I do not have a scarf, because my mother put it on. This is stupid, because minus 15 on the street, but that's it, the relationship stretches to the limit. Here this cordial connection, this huge rope - in the childhood, up to 5 years, the child trusted you absolutely everything, - it stretches to the thinnest string. And very many are torn. And what happens in most of the families is when parents completely lose their authority. Parent in anger, in frustration, in insult: how did I do it, I fed you, shod, dressed, we went to rest, you had everything, you are perfectly educated, I drove you in sections, in circles, where is the gratitude? Gratitude, perhaps, will be when he will educate his children when he passes with them their transitional age. And maybe, and will not, because the child all that it is invested in childhood, perceives as a duty performed by parents. And if you took him to English, you could do yourself, but instead 2 thousand times or 1,5 a thousand times visited him with a teacher - he knows English, you have nothing to do with it. He is so talented, so he easily entered the institute. This does not work to restore the connection. It's bad, unfair, but it does not work, you know?
And what works? That's what to do, so that this rope, stretched to the string, does not burst? We have to deal with the baby while it's small, you know? Feeding, shoeing, dressing, keeping warm and driving in mugs is good. It is necessary to talk to him, but this is practically no one doing now. And to talk not about what you want to invest in a child. But in order for you to disperse a little, I will tell you an anecdote from the life of my children. We had a woman in the parish, she is now our parishioner, she worked in the zoo. And at my request she brought the animals to the Sunday school: otter, muskrat, skid, snake some. A skid - this is a lizard without legs, such a vile, translucent snake, disgusting completely. She crawled on the table, and my child, Philip, was sitting in the front row and was so worried and worried that he was picking his nose, almost crawling up to his elbow, and I was sitting behind, and I was ashamed and I could not do anything . And so we got into the car, we went back, the wife asks: "Well, children, did you like it?" Philip says: "Snake." I remember and explain that you can not pick your nose. I'm not yelling, I'm not annoyed, I tell 10 minutes about hygiene, about propriety, about people around. And when I finish, he says: "Well, it's so nasty, transparent." You see, he paused himself. And we laughed for a very long time. And since then we have this kind of family joke - "so disgusting," which means that the child does not listen to you.
You must tell the child how to behave, a lot of experience should be passed on to the child by both the father and the mother, but you can do this only on the material that is interesting to the child, you know? Here, or you read books, or tell tales, or you talk with him, but you talk only on the material that the child is now interested in. This is fundamentally important. What is happening, you see: Dad came down from his Olympus, came to me, sat down on the bed and told me the story. It's better than cartoons, than fighters, believe me. Mom is reading a book. I still remember how my mother read to us Aksakova, "The Childhood of Bagrov the Grandson", maybe you read such wonderful Russian literature. And I was very lucky: while we were small, my father told us it was called fables. Here he came, sat, he had a half-witted character - a friend of his youth. And he, as I now understand, retold various stories, "The Invisible Man", say. It is impossible to come up with many plots for yourself. But it did not matter, you know? Even when his father left, he had two more children in another family, all the same the relationship was cordial. That is, this is the most important moment. You talk with the child, respecting him, although you are absolutely uninteresting these transformers or something else. You understand that this is a total nonsense on a cultural level, but you have come to his world, and in his world, with respect to his interests, he is saying something, quietly putting there those things that you want to convey to him, and not imposing him , and listening to his answers. This is the foundation that will give you the opportunity to manage the child during the transition period. He will respect you, despite all the social networks, despite all the attack on his soul, consciousness, on his heart, which is going on there, you understand? Dad - this is someone who respects and loves me, he came to me, and he with me, for me, interesting and important talk. This is practical advice.
I tell fairy tales to children, and it can be any person, the child is important to the process itself. It does not matter to him that this, maybe, is not a very high literature. It is important to him ... Remember, telling fairy tales to children is the same lever of upbringing traditionally Russian, now completely lost. It's easier if you put a CD to him, and you do what you want. And he is brought up by other people, Smeshariki is brought up there by someone else, you know? How do you do it? You definitely take 2-x or 3-x characters about his age, a little older. You immerse it in some era, it may be the era of the Vikings, it may be the era of pirates, it could be the era of Prince Vladimir, anything. And you model, design, just collect, as a designer, some kind of adventure. You can take any series and build on it, the child will be absolutely happy, you know? Absolutely happy will be. Here we have a fairy tale started from the moment when Philippe at the birth of 3-th child cried a lot. And the tale began about such a mythical character Lapith, who never whined and pulled himself up a lot. That's how I started. He became the head of the guard of King Arthur later. Then Vladyka Arseny came to see us, Philip brought us the communion, he said: "King Arthur!". He asked: "What?" - "King Arthur!" - so he was absorbed in it. It can be about 2 year, maybe 3 year. We had a fairy tale about Alyosha, the son of Father Vasily, that is, Alyosha Popovich and his friend, the son of a pagan blacksmith, who are in the squad to Prince Vladimir. We had a fairy tale about two brothers, who were stolen by Crimean Tatars in captivity, were taken away in the 15th century, they passed through Bartholomew's night, they returned later. This can all be very interesting. There was a fairy tale about a pilot shot down 23 June 1941 year, which then for two years, while I told this tale, retreated and tried to catch up with the front line leaving. And you tell him: what is the beginning of the war, who are the partisans, what is the occupation, and, first, he listens, and you tell him something that you want to tell him. Well, all right, all right, let's have a fairy tale now, adventures themselves, then you need adventure already. And this leads to the fact that this relationship is created.
Here, not in terms of boasting, I will say that my wife once went for a walk, we rented an apartment in Mitino. The end of May, the sandbox, the first such day is wonderful, and all the children and moms poured out. And so, they show toys, they show off - expensive, good. We have no such possibility. Here the boy says: "Here I have it, I have it." And the son says: "And Papa tells us interesting stories." Such a pause. Moms all turn. And he says it with such pride, you know? And my wife retells me, and I feel good. And indeed, now they are adults, but we have this connection, it is preserved, it was not interrupted, it does not need to be restored. Given that my friend, who is very close to me, from a kindergarten, who is like a brother to me, he was alone, he had only father and mother. That is, there were much more opportunities to deal with them. But there the pope lived on the principle of "TV-slippers-newspaper", or now it is "tablet-computer-work", yes? Now we have this principle of Soviet implementation. And when my son, my friend, turned 18 years old, everything broke. His father became a loser for him, a loser, as we are now saying, although he worked very well, he was a wealthy man in Soviet times, he worked as a closed defense, the car was, there were two dachas. But his parents sent all the time to pioneer camps and to grandmothers to give. They did not spend the weekend with him, because you have to rest on weekends. I worked, I did everything, I did my duty, that's all. The relationship was restored when the father fell ill with an oncology, about 5 or 6 years ago. A friend finished school in 1985-th year, as you know. Here, all this huge central piece of life passed without father's influence, father was absolutely not authority. He was just a nobody.
But father and mother are people who continue to develop in 18 years, and in 25, 30, and 40, if you have a living father with whom you have contact, you need his experience very much, and you the mother is needed already as an adviser, as a friend, you need it, even if you are already 40 or 50 years old, because she went all the same along the road of life much further. If this is a believing person especially, then she understands you more. That, so that it does not burst, it is necessary to be engaged in the child. Very, very, I advise these fairy tales. And, it is interesting that they then grow up, and my subjects are exhausted, they watched the film, they resorted:
- Dad, you, it turns out, deceived us.
- And what is it?
"You did not think of it, it was such a film, we looked."
- Well, guys, what can I do, because I can not 4 once a week for 40 minutes to compose an interesting story. You see, it's impossible, I'm not Arina Rodionovna. But still, you know, there is a contact, and I use it even at the parish. That is, I tell the story to the children in autumn, winter and spring, fix its main plot moves, and then we leave for the summer camp with the children with parish. And there I tell this fairy tale to them, but every day, before dinner, an hour and a half or an hour. It helps me enormously when they grow up in matters of Confession. Of course, I'm not their own father, it's understandable, but, you see, there is trust. That is, they are sausage, as we are now saying, yes, at the age of transition they almost fell apart with their father and mother. But the priest is not just a man with a beard and, it is unclear why, in a long black skirt that wants something from them. Again the same mechanism: this is the person I was interested in when I was little, he came and talked to me about what was important to me, so I'll go to him for Confession, and I can open it, and I can listen to him advice. And it works even with other people's children, and with their own children it certainly works.
What else did you want to say? In case the father left, that's what it can be compensated for a little. It is necessary to give the child some kind of struggle, because, of course, when you grow up with your father, and your father is always there, you are a happy person, and now there are very few such people. Many grow with their stepfathers, many do not grow up without fathers. You have no one to copy, you do not know how an adult, strong, generous and noble man behaves. And the girl does not know this, so she does not understand who she is marrying, and the guy does not understand how to behave. Most often these qualities are present in the professional coach, especially if it is a man of the old coaching school. Better, of course, if it's not some kind of percussion technique, such as karate, which are aimed at causing pain, first of all. And the coaches of oriental martial arts do not have this Soviet coaching tempering. It's better if it's a free-style wrestling, classical, or it's Sambo, judo, because usually sambo teachers both teach. The fact is that during the Soviet era there was a rigid attitude that if the coach finds out that you beat someone on the street, had a drive to the police, then you are immediately expelled. And the coaches explain. But it's not even that they explain.
The fact is that a person who trains for the first six months walks and brags, tries to show everything to everyone, and then he gets skills that are absolutely necessary for a man. It is necessary for a Christian, because the spiritual life is a struggle, you know, we will not get away from it anywhere. We are opposed by a personal enemy, Satan. Here people in the font are baptized, they turn to the west and spit on it. This is the Christian life: it's Satan who opposes you, and you summoned him to fight when you received Baptism. A person must be able to lose. A person should be able to find joy in the process, he does not need to win. Imagine a modern child who plays, only to win. There was such a child among our neighbors: when the children poured out to play, he would come and say: "I'm the commander!" They said to him: "You, you know, it's not your turn now, you'll be after Vasya." "No!" - and then he destroyed the whole game. If he lost, he took offense at once. I think that we were also hurt when we lost as a child, but we learned. That's when the struggle takes place, a person learns this, then all pride flies from him, he does not need to prove anything to anyone. He knows what pain is, and therefore is afraid of causing it. Usually the one who has been doing this for a long time, evades conflicts, goes to them only in the most extreme cases. This is the influence of the learning process itself, and, of course, the influence of the coach.
I live outside the city, where the benefactor built a temple in the villa area, no one, a huge concrete temple with a cellar, with a house, gas, everything paid for everything. But there is no one, through the railway a large village, but from there it is uncomfortable to walk. There's a tiny temple full of people, stuffy, hot. But here is a very large detour, and it is impossible to pass to the parishioners. And we sat down with the future rector, then he was a deacon, and they decided to create a section on sambo. They bought mats, they laid them under the temple. So, 30 or 40 minutes God's law, then the children go to work ... Found a wonderful trainer, past Afghanistan, an amazing man, a real warrior, very calm, quiet, noble. the magnanimous. And we with our parents - this priest, or his wife, or I, or the catechist - we are talking all this time. I do not care, the children are engaged, I therefore sit and talk. Drinking tea. And there passed 7 or 8 years, it's difficult to go to church on Sunday, so many people go there. They arrive by car on the bus. A huge number of children. This is a dacha district, in the summer - it's clear, near Moscow is near, in winter by 150-180 communicants. Private Sunday, you see, what a community. Here, it all began with these lessons. Of course, just this father has such a heart, and he likes to engage in youth and children, and it turns out. But in parallel there is such a man's upbringing. Here's what else.
If there is a ministry - is the gift of the Holy Spirit
What other personal experience would I like to share? In a church, and the family of a believing person is in the church, in general there is not a single ministry in which, if a person carries it, as a service to the Lord, a person does not receive the help of the Holy Spirit. That is, if there is a ministry - there is charisma, is the gift of the Holy Spirit, necessarily. If a person is not proud, but does it with humility. It's in spiritual preaching, in the upbringing of children, in anything. Therefore, even if you grew up without a father, even if you were brought up in a strange way, if you ask God for help, if you turn, if you humble yourself, if you carry it as a ministry, the Lord will help you, you will succeed. Because at ordination in consecration the bishop speaks about the grace of God, the Divine grace: "The feeble, healing and impoverishing compensating." That is, if you are scanty, then it filled you. You are weak, she has cured you.
And parenting, paternity, motherhood, of course, is the service of the Lord, and, of course, the Lord will help. But it will be more difficult for you, of course, if you did not grow up in a full family. Much more difficult. Naturally, you have nowhere to take examples, you do not have these stocks. But you will succeed. Here is my example before my eyes, this is my wonderful wife. She grew up without her parents, her father left when she was 3 a year, drank awful, he did not even pay alimony. Mother ... there are continuous mistakes in education, she lived her life absolutely. And the memories of childhood are an unhealed wound. This is the mother standing on the windowsill for 3 hours, which screams: "I'll throw it out right now." It's horrible. Raised her grandmother and uncle. There is absolutely nowhere for her to take examples. Every child in her is thought of separately, each taken separately. This is not a line. This is a small woman, you imagine, she has 6 sons and 2 daughters. Older such foreheads are already standing ... I call her: I stay the night from Saturday to Sunday in Moscow, she says: "You left me, left me in the barracks. They all walk, they ruined the refrigerator. They all ate there. " Everyone came in the evening, and everyone wants to chew something. Mom is running around here. But each separately, because everyone has his own illnesses, his own peculiarities, it is necessary to track down, suddenly he can not do something, suddenly some kind of trouble with the child.
A large family is a car, loaded to the limit
Now just an epidemic of mental disorders. As for the depressions, it covers the tsunami, we just have not yet realized that this is due to oversaturation with heavy information, which we can not cope with. So, I talked with a wonderful religious psychiatrist, with the son of Father Gleb Kaleda, Vasily Glebovich Kaleda. The surname is very famous. We simply do not represent the scale of the catastrophe that is coming at us, humanity has never encountered this. Suddenly your child, here yesterday he was strong, successful, - suddenly he is now almost broke. And you need to leave everything and talk to him. That is why a large family is much more vulnerable. And we need to understand what we're going for, because a large family, you know, is a car loaded to the limit, it has all the details, all the units are at full capacity, and you can not take someone else to plant. Now, if you have one or two children, then one of you is sick, you can turn your attention to him. And so - you do not have any additional resources, in general there are none. They are not in principle. This is not something you can say to yourself: do not rest, or, say, do not sleep. You simply do not have time. I at some point realized that I had not combed my hair for about 2 months before the mirror. Here is a small detail: you do not have time to stand in front of a mirror to comb your hair, you do it on the run, and between your shoulder and ear you hold the phone and say something else while doing it. Nevertheless, the grace of God is working. If you step over yourself, serve these little souls that are growing, then of course the Lord tells you that you can tolerate that you can not be tolerated.
In the transition years, much must be endured. I did not say that. That is, the child behaves this way when he is 15 years old, that if you continue to punish him for everything you used to punish him for, his life will turn into a permanent punishment. And he will, of course, get away from you internally. He always makes mistakes, he always provokes you. That is, you did not notice something, you pretended that something was not heard, about some joke. And this is very difficult, younger children ask: "Dad, why do you allow him, why he can, but I can not?" And you understand that he must be punished, he can not be allowed, but here you have to pretend that you are not noticed. Just otherwise the connection breaks. You see, a family with many children is a complex construction. And when some of the children are already adults, some children are still small, some questions arise, to which you are not yet ready completely. The Lord will help, in the first place.
Secondly, of course, the right love, not proprietary, but the right love from birth, invested in children, is always returned. She always comes back, I see how children, well-bred, love their parents, how they care about them. If you have several children, and you did not live for yourself, but primarily for them, brought up, raised, loved them, it does not matter what your pension is and whether it will or not. It's like in antiquity. That is, they will want to communicate with you. We have a family, such a traditional Orthodox family, where parents are clergymen. And the children argue about who will live with their parents, you know, among themselves. The elderly are quite parents, who impose certain restrictions on their freedom, on their pastime. They want. And their father is as gray as the patriarch of the Old Testament. "Dad will stay at my house, we all will reconcile, but he will talk with his grandchildren." This is such a golden time.
If you sow love, it will necessarily grow and you will return
And by the way, it's interesting that when there is this right love, then the question about whether the father or mother came and invade my family does not arise at all. That is, when you love with humility, it's important for you to do the right thing, not your way. This is the principle. And Grandfather came, and everything is fine. And now I remember, I have a daughter, I fell ill, my daughter 8 years old. She comes, starts stroking me and saying: "Daddy, when you're old in the hospital, I'll bring you oranges." I felt so good right away. Indeed, I understand that I will have a lot of oranges in the hospital. I can even share, God forbid. I mean, love comes back, of course. Yes, as the Lord said: whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap. And this He said not only about sins. If you sow love, it will necessarily grow and return to you. Necessarily, and it will return more. Especially when children grow up and, looking around, will understand how everything is hard and wrong for their peers. And you understand how much you have been invested in, and you begin to appreciate it. And again you need a parent. Again, you listen to his advice.
We, unfortunately, do not have any grandparents, so it turned out that we have no one to help in this sense, everything is against us. But you understand why grandfather or grandmother is so important in the family. This is a person if it is a Christian in which passions have already gone out or go out, which has a tremendous life experience, and, of course, it creates an atmosphere in the family. And you are very grateful if it is in the upbringing of your child. You have not grown to this before, and he is already growing, and you feel it, because, of course, and jealousy with the right love should not be.
Her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law divide her husband and son. And the love of the mother and the love of the wife are just like sound and smell, you see, they can be in one space and do not interfere with each other completely. They are different in nature, and only because we are proud and selfish, we are hampered by another person to whom my husband devotes time. But if we love with humility, love, we serve, then this does not bother us at all.
What else is so joyful? Still, if we evaluate, weigh what is in our earthly life, then, of course, the greatest treasure is people who love us. Nothing is more expensive. You can not buy them, they simply will not go, you will not get them. And if you brought up children properly, then there are a lot of them, these people. And this love for you, it is transmitted to your grandchildren, that is, there will be many that you will need ... You will be rich, this is a great treasure. So we should not be afraid of this, we are now confronted with the fact that the paradigm of self-realization of the human and the children that interfere with us come into conflict.
Here we have a manager in the temple, an elderly person at all, he has relatives, they were both doctors of science, they worked in one scientific institute and made a decision, in the 1960-ies, that they will not have children, that they are completely devoted to science. The Institute collapsed, the science completely became different, the degree they had left, but this business executive said: "I can not stay more than half an hour at home, it's so hard. Maybe they did not repent, maybe there were a lot of abortions, I do not know. The situation is such that I just can not be there. " So, self-realization was complete, and old age is lonely. And this, of course, is very scary.
And it is interesting that someday we will be subject to senile dementia, perhaps, yes? God forbid, of course. And the children will tolerate us, they will feed us with spoons, they will change our diapers, take the duck out from under us, if we were engaged with them with love and with joy, with respect, then it will be absolutely not difficult for them. And he will not wait until finally you die. And it will be natural: yes, I used to be like that, but my mother was feeding me with a spoon, she was carrying me out from under me. You see, what's wrong, now I return the debt. Well, that's what I wanted to say, and now, maybe you have some questions?
"Dear father, you have 8 children, you are surely confronted with the fact that the children are in conflict, they are fighting, maybe. How do you resolve this situation?
- I must say that the development of personal space by the child is associated with a conflict, usually with the next child older or younger. And this is always a complex combination. This one is very close to this now, and they are in conflict with this, and six months later, on the contrary, he is always at a quarrel with this. And this does not solve the cry. That is, he taunts one another and does not hear any arguments at all. But the extreme measure, when, first, we punish, put in a corner. But if the conflict becomes very hot, then you just need to quickly take both to the holy corner and start singing to the "Heavenly King", for example. That's how you can do it. And to clarify, clarify, explain ... Well, you see, these conflicts do not occur because they do not understand, that is, they can all tell you what you are explaining to them. But because they can not cope with this yet, they are so self-affirming. And sometimes even to fights even comes, yes. We have to separate and punish. It's hard for this to see the parent very much, how his children quarrel, of course.
- Here children go to school, communicate with their peers. And in school mate, swear words. How do you warn your children that you can not speak this vocabulary?
- Of course yes. What is the spiritual life of Christianity? You have two main directions. The first is a protective one: your lamp is burning, and you are protecting it from the wind. Second: you must pour oil, add firewood to the fire. That is, you must sate them with real life. You must pray with them, of course. By the way, I did not say that. This is the most important thing - a joint prayer with his wife and children. This is very important, because this is the home church. Morning - it's hard, because everyone gets up at different times, the evening is necessary, let it be cut, so that the kids can stand it. But you come together, and you are a church. This is fundamentally important, and, of course, you are fighting, you are telling. I remember when the first child was a year, I was amazed that he was saying something to him, and he was like, "U!" He can not speak yet, and he is already rebelling: "U!" I came to my confessor, he was still alive, a wonderful archimandrite of the Laura, says: "What did you want? You studied theology in the seminary, you remember the original sin, here it is! "After all, sin acts, indeed, nature is stricken. And you see with your child: you invest in it all the good, and in it the good flourishes and the bad one blossoms. And your task as a parent is that you are constantly fighting this, you told the eldest that you can not swear, and now you explain to the younger one.
But still, of course, it's important, it's such a tricky truth, but it's quite obvious, it can not be repeated: in order for the children not to quarrel, it is necessary that the father and mother do not quarrel, that is, an example. If the father and mother avoid conflicts, then the children learn it, although not immediately, although they are wandering around for a long time, grows into them, you know. And they do not control themselves, and they are all so clumsy, and in a moral sense too.
In this struggle, you often lose, because it is a sin
Well, in general, it is interesting that they are in transition age very much do not like to cuddle, and in childhood they are very fond of. I'll tell you about this, of course. A small child feels the love of the parents tactilely. That is, a small child must be sure to squeeze, kiss, put on his knees, buzjukatsya, whatever you like, call it. I'm coming from the temple, and two younger sons, followed by their daughter: "Dad, let's go bush?" They need to get enough, you know, like an elk - it comes out of the forest, the salt lies on the manger. He licks it, he needs salt, you know. They need the warmth of strong parent hands, you know. And he goes on perfectly healthy, five minutes have passed. They need it. Then he hesitates very much. But it still remains the most effective way. That is, if he is in a riot, you come up, embrace him, he breaks out first and in every possible way shows that he is disgusted now. But you look in the mirror, and he smiles, that is, it is of fundamental importance: whatever happens to him, he must remember that he is loved. He is loved, he is important, he is needed, here he is, as is, so clumsy, pimply at this age. But it's still a fight all the time, of course. In this struggle, you often lose, because sin acts because you are the first time a parent. Well, I've been a parent for 8, and some things ... We punished the elders the most, and punished with a belt.
I remember one Moscow archpriest, an elderly man very much, I was a seminarian, I came to his house. And he told me - and he was from a traditional Orthodox family, where faith did not stop in Soviet times - he said: "And what do you think, we had three straps in the hallway: black for fasting days, red for a holiday, and brown - on weekdays. " That's all the difference, you know. The most remarkable person is absolutely amazing, he grew up, and there is 9 person in the family. And now even the elder: "Dad, why do not you punish?" But somehow they learned, the experience comes. We have learned, because we still do not want to. If you can do without corporal punishment, then it's better to do without it, of course. We were young, we did not know how, we had to. And now we do without it. But we also learn, nevertheless, we must fight: he is naham, he must get his lips for it sometimes, one can not say such a mother.
Here, I had such an episode in my childhood, when my father and mother very strictly raised us in relation to adults. If an adult, it's always a name-patronymic. And suddenly my father appeared an acquaintance, an artist who had no children of his own, and said: "And give on" you ", why are you on" you "? Yes, that you are Boris Petrovich, let's just Boris. " I: "Boris". It responds. Later, as my father: "Borya!" - responds. I told him: "Borka?", Something else I told him, something so impudent, but I was then 7 or 6. He looked at me, I remember so, and, evidently, he does not want to do this, and he tore me off my ears. And I was hurt, I cried. But I felt so good. These are mixed feelings, in which only then I figured out, you see. I was put in place, and my picture of the world was restored, where an adult is an authority. This authority is based on the veneration of parents, as one of the foundations of human being. Well, everything got into place, and I felt much better.
By the way, you know, it happens. That's the way a child is, forgive for such a word, he is frantic directly, he will be punished, and after that he smiles and laughs. That is, he will cry for three minutes, stand in a corner 10 minutes, ask for forgiveness, and he again happy and happy, and before that he walked, was discouraged, he was bad at all. That is, he needs to be placed in this framework, until he can be in them himself. Here they quarrel, they fight. Especially when they began to engage in Sambo, the fights began with throws, serious.
- How can and how not to punish children? Can I use a belt, spank and so on?
- Sometimes it is necessary. Children are all different. There are children to whom you say, and they do. They have different periods. Conscientious rudeness must be punished severely. If the word does not stop, behold, my wife can slap the child even though she is one and a half taller than her. And this also happens. And this is for good, after all, we still have in the Holy Scripture the words: the Lord as a father, whom he loves, he also punishes (2 Para 16, 12-13). Remember the quote from Jesus the son of Sirahov: a father who gives peace to his rods - hates his son (compare PR 29, 17). After all, he did not say about the incorrect pedagogical concept that his father is mistaken. And it is not even said - he loves wrong. It is said: "He hates." Why? Because he gives evil to grow in his soul. Is this love? You see, there is a situation when you need to punish. And then, when I was torn from behind my ears, I was grateful to that person. I needed it. And so, to punish - to put in a corner, something to deprive. Now, if he plays strategy once a week, then for him it is a strong punishment to deprive him of it.
- How to motivate a child for work, for training? Let's say the son of 19 years flies out of the institute. What to do?
- It seems to me that it is necessary to teach you to work earlier. That is, this is a problem that has not been resolved in time. I can say, I repeat, that there must be a section of general works that no one will do for him, except only if he is sick. And now everyone does not get off of him, and he must do it. Then this mechanism is formed, so I will return to this formula, the goalkeeper's formula is the mechanism of responsibility. I am in charge of this space, so that there is no goal, you know. Nobody else answers. They demand me all the time. I come to the institute, the space changes, but the principle in me already works, that is, the mechanism already exists. I learned to answer for a certain segment. It's easy, you yourself are tracking: something new has appeared, you removed it from the table.
This should be formed earlier. Although the children are also very different. And of course, the absent-minded children's modern is very connected with gadgets, with social networks ... If you let a lot of the child sit, so he will be happy if he is given a big, good smartphone. Absolutely happy will be, but it will be a very harmful gift. That is, you gave your child a smartphone, and in 3 months ... I have a sister - a teacher with a long experience, she says: "I can accurately determine which of the children started playing the computer. A month later - there was a five, there was a three or four with a minus. " Just scattered attention, he can not concentrate, he is somewhere there. That is, of course, those games in which we played in childhood - first, we went out into the yard, we learned to play football or something else, in the bouncers. You learn to play with other children, interact. Well, when you build from cubes, "Lego" is a perfect game, it teaches work. Here, if there is a possibility, then "Lego" is wonderful. It thinks thinking, because thought is a construction, and it is visually expressed in these cubes. In 19 years it's too late to teach.
- Is there any obvious benefit in giving a child to an Orthodox gymnasium, where he will study the Law of God and receive a full-fledged Christian upbringing?
- I adhere to the point of view that if there is an opportunity to teach a child in an Orthodox gymnasium, it is better to teach in the Orthodox. First, there is great hope that he will have like-minded people by faith, friends for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, this almost never happens in churches, because in Sunday schools we have a task - to give the child certain knowledge, and not to create conditions for children to make friends with each other. And this is the trouble of our modern Sunday schools, a very great loss.
Indeed, you are right, the child goes to college or to work, already a young man or a girl. And so my son came to the institute for geological exploration, he says: "Dad, bulls, beer, gulp, sometimes syringes." And with no one there could not make friends. He, of course, was very hard, because there was no one to rely on. Now if he is with them, will he have the strength to resist, when everyone is going. He comes, forgive for the details, everyone is wandering. In general, for this purpose they gather in the evening. Will he have enough strength to resist. A young man can not help but make friends, you all understand what are the friends of youth. It's half the soul. Thank God, all my friends have friends in the temple. These summer camps, and we go on canoe trips each summer specifically for this, this is the main goal. Here he and all my children have someone to rely on among believing people. And where to find such people? In school, this is the first.
Second, after all, a godless world, atheistic or secular, indifferent, will surround your child throughout the rest of his life. After all, people who are not churched, let's say, non-final Christians, are the majority around us. And this he still does not care. But where is that foundation of peace in his heart, when there are believers around. And then, despite the fact that they say: they finished the Orthodox gymnasium, and left, did not take communion ... The children sometimes say that there was such hypocrisy that I do not want to go to the church anymore ... But this is still a personal choice. Still, there are fewer temptations in the Orthodox gymnasium than in an ordinary school. There are fewer children who smoke, less students go to high school, there are fewer mothers, there is a more correct community of people. But whether he remains in the Church or not, he will still decide for himself. This is a conscious choice of your child, this is something that you will not do for him. Even the Lord can not make this choice for him.
We know the saints who had unsuitable children, for example, Samuel the prophet. With him God talked, from the Bible it is known, He revealed through Him His will to the whole people. Was he a bad father, was he? No, but the children grew up completely useless. Now, Adam has one Cain, the other Abel. One lived a saint, another murderer, a damned. Therefore, the child himself will decide, but from what will he decide? Let him, by experience, know what a believing community of people is.
You know, here's an example: we go on these canoe trips. My children are all rushing in there from the parish, you see. This year we went, do not believe it, 67 man on 27 kayaks. It's a flotilla. No idiot can walk like this, only Father Fyodor. Everyone laughs when they hear. But no one can be refused, they have already grown up, but they take holidays for this time. Why? Trying to understand why. Because friends, songs by the fire and so on, because the joint prayer. A young man, a girl, a teenager - it's important for them, they are in the right space. There, joint prayer, joint preparation, there all help each other, there are people who try to live according to the laws of the Gospel with each other. It's a week and a half, but it's an experience, you know, which they wait a year later.
And now, in the Orthodox gymnasium they receive this experience. Of course, there are intrigues, there is gossip, there is everything, but still, if there is a collective of believing people who have long been churched, there will not be such gossip, there will not be such substitutions, substitutions and other things. Still, these are people who have the skill of fighting their passions, even if they declare it. Of course, in this community it is more useful for them to live, this is experience. They will try, what is Christian cohabitation, the taste. That's what's important. Maybe they will leave. Maybe you will not even live when they return to the Church. Do you know how many people are leaving our Sunday schools? These are colossal figures, where more than half, percent of 70 children who have passed the Sunday school course of the modern Orthodox Church, are leaving the church life. And then a significant part comes back.
I remember such an episode: I come to the temple, there is a service soon, I come in the evening for 40. A young woman is sitting, her eyes are moist. What is it, maybe something to help? And here it is: in her childhood she was taken to the temple, at the beginning of 1990 there was a Sunday school, as she recalls, there was another good, good priest who had already gone to the world. Then she spun, she left the Church, she fell into all grave sins, she led a completely unruly life. And so she walked along the street, an unfamiliar temple, it turned out, the Lord brought to our. And she says: "I came in, and I want to return." She returned, she was preaching, she has since led the church life, for more than 10 years, 7 years. And for years 15 she had a break. But here's the experience of Christian cohabitation, you know, he stayed. She gorged on another, but she wants this. And if she did not try what church life is, then between what and what to choose, you understand. I'm still a supporter of the fact that if there is an opportunity, go to an Orthodox school or a gymnasium.
- How can an orthodox girl cultivate meekness in herself?
- I do not know, I have not tried it. Need to think. I do not know. Well, first, you do not have to say right away when some idea came into your head. First you have to shut up. We very often regret what they said in a hurry. But gentleness, I must say, is a forgotten, trampled virtue that is considered to have passed away from our life, but which in fact is a huge human power. A gentle man is a very strong person. It is confident in God, not in itself - in God, very strong, which does not offend anyone who is ready to accept. This is a huge Christian life - to become a meek person. Especially now that meekness is the least understandable virtue.
Well, to be silent, maybe you'll go for a meek, so to speak. If there is no virtue in me, how is it acquired? I do the deeds of this virtue, and gradually it penetrates into me, inside. In the same way, here, let's say, I have no mercy for this man in my heart, but my mind knows that I must help him. I do this by my effort of will, not according to the movement of the heart. I do this once, twice, 10, 20, and the Lord plant this virtue in my heart. This is a well-known mechanism: do things, and in you this virtue will wake up, and so imitate the meek, behave as if you were meek, and probably in you it will wake up.
- How can you help your nephew and godson, whose parents are far from God?
- Difficult, very difficult. I, too, in this situation. I have a very large number of classmates at school, when I became a priest, asked me to become godchild of my children, I could not refuse, because they are childhood friends. Despite all my persuasions, there was no church upbringing, no matter how many asked, how many asked, someone reacted, someone - there was no reaction at all. And this is my pain so far, and it's impossible to influence in any way.
But, on the other hand, I have an example of my godmother. My father was unbaptized, my mother was very far away, I grew up as a child in a completely non-church family, absolutely far from it. And dad - he was an athlete, sambo wrestler, and he was very homesick about his work, and he was very fond of transporting people simply for free. Some kind of intelligent family, then drink tea, talk about literature, about art. And work at the same time physically. And then one day he was asked to transport one woman with her husband, in years. So they loaded the truck, moved into the house. Here he sees, there is a box, she assorts icons, first of all puts icons.
- Are you a believer?
- Yes I Am.
"But, you know, we would like to baptise my daughter and son now." You will not be godmother?
Godfather says: "Well, but you must promise me that you will not interfere with my duties." And the pope, completely unaware of what the speech was, agreed. And the godfather took on us very strictly: "So, in the nearest resurrection Fedya, Anya does not feed in the morning, I take them to the church to take communion." And this flour, I remember, I want to sleep early in the morning, but it takes in the morning ... It's dark, the metro, the Botanical Garden, my back hurts, nothing is clear. But they carried the Cup. I now understand that this is the Great Entrance. They said something and took it away. Wait, where are you going? It's time to take communion, everything is impossible. Then, then, we go out, she pours tea from the thermos, pulls out sandwiches. And so 3-4 times a year. Here, but the seed was sown.
Then she took out prayers somewhere, this is incredibly perfect. This is 1978 year of publication, paperback. She lived on the 2 floor in our house. "Here's the King of Heaven," "Theotokos" and "Our Father," read every day, Fedya, "- came a month later. And she taught literature in Gnesinka. The teacher.
"So, Fyodor, are you reading?"
- Yes, I read.
- You're lying! If you'd read, the cover would have been jammed.
I was so ashamed. I began to read, and from that time I was afraid of it. And by her labors, we all votserkovilis.
His father brought him to listen to the choir, and the child believed
Then, do not forget that the choice of a person is done both in one direction and in the other. Here is my example before my eyes. One priest, my friend, of my age, he grew up in Soviet times. And my father was a terrible cynic and an atheist. The mother was an elitist interpreter from someone in the Central Committee, and to him and her that the child was churching was completely across the career. My mother always went abroad and brought records, and my father had very good equipment and an unbelievable collection of plates of opera choral singing, in which he was very knowledgeable and loved. And in order to show the child how well the choir sounded in an authentic atmosphere, he took his son to Ordynka, where Sveshnikov's choir, I think, sang, if I'm not mistaken. It was a rare case when the choir and toured, and performed, and sang in the service, and the authorities tolerated it. And the child was 12 years old. His father brought him there to listen, and the child believed. He was beaten, he was locked, he from the 3 floor, tied the sheets to the batteries, ran to the services. His father beat him for it. And then he became a priest, in spite of everything, because the grace of God touched him, he believed.
Therefore, you come: this is the gospel, let's read. Now, this means something. Take a piece. I 15 minutes, with a godson to talk, well, 20. Everyone left, then they talked. Everything, the seed fell, and then it's his life. He can hear the Gospel every day and grow up to be an unbeliever in the sense, and can hear and say: "Now, this is the most important thing for me." Therefore here all the same the field of his choice. Here is your work, and prayer, of course, for him.
- Should foster children know that they are foster? And the second question: families, where there is a stepfather or stepmother, are somehow different from families where both parents are relatives?
"I have no foster children, so, so to speak, from someone else's practice." If there is a possibility that the child does not know that he is an adoptive, then let him not know. Unfortunately, in foster families even more risk, because the heredity of the father and mother is transmitted. You can take a very nice boy, a curly-haired, blue-eyed, and then he will grow up. And we have such examples in the parish. A little girl has grown up. There the native son was killed, the husband and wife adopted the girl, invested in it completely, but she knew that she was an orphanage. And something very hard, she left, she earns some money herself, lives with someone from her friends. Lives very badly in the moral sense, so dirty. They groan, cry, they can not do anything about it.
The task of the family is to grow a child in a space full of love
But, you know, what is a foster child? He was betrayed, once he was betrayed. He grows up altogether without love, he does not understand what family love is. And the main task of the family is to raise a child, to warm it up for life in a space warmed by love, soaked, permeated with love. Now, if a child acquires this experience in some form, in an incomplete one, but he sees how it happens, if he wants, he can realize it in his future family and his future life. That is, you give him an example, so if you do not have your own children, and you have the opportunity to adopt, you must adopt. It's ... it was not like this at the time of Christ, right? He parable of the Last Judgment says: "They fed, they gave drink, they visited ...". I think, if now this parable continues, then "adopted" would also be necessary. Adopted one of the small, adopted Me. I guess. Because, of course, you have a great love for man. And it will come back to you, maybe not right away, maybe with time.
I know one family where the child, through very evil relatives, found out that he was an adopted person. I found my own father, he was very hard, it was very hard for everyone in this period. He dashed to his father, opposing himself to those who raised him. And then I overestimated everything, met my father. He realized that his father could not give him anything, and he came back, you know, he loves his adoptive parents with even greater tenderness. He appreciated what these people did for him, he realized that he could grow up, as with that man, without everything. He knows that this is not flesh and blood, but he comforts them. And they are very grateful to him for what he is now.
You are sent to such people, loving whom you grow up
And the second question was, sorry? In general, a very interesting fact is that the patristic family is a school of love. At us all sacred fathers are monastic. But nevertheless, most of them said that the family is a school of love. This is the place where God puts you, that you change to get into the Kingdom of God, because this is the Kingdom of Love, and here you are taught. How to teach love, you know how? You are sent to such people, loving whom, you are growing up. Well, the simplest example: you married a girl, you fell in love with her, and she has a bunch of relatives, it turns out, they also need to love, we need to build relationships with them. Not just - Maria Ivanovna, thanks. No. And you must love this mother-in-law. And such a lot, and, indeed, people become people. This is a very difficult task.
This is my wife's grandmother, she's a noblewoman, and I'm a plebeian. And it was very strong in the beginning. For her it was fundamentally. Here she kept things family. In the Soviet era - this is some point of opposition to the system. Many repressed, this memory. It appeared, the granddaughter took his beloved. It was very tense. And then, in time, - she did not reappear so long ago, - really became native people. But it was a difficult task, I'll tell you. You are called a lickspittle, and you must remain silent. All the same, her wife loves her, you know. You can not, without hurting your wife, be at enmity with the one she loves. You can not. You can not, loving your wife, not love those who brought her up, this is in conflict, so the family is a school of love. And my stepfather and stepmother are also God's task, you see. Here, indeed, a man met a woman, okay, with a child, I'll take it. Well, something he runs around, fusses. And this is a person, and he knows that you are not your own father. And it's very difficult for you to build a relationship with him, and you solve this problem if you are a Christian. And it is difficult for him. There is a saying - not the father who gave birth, but the one who brought up. Indeed, it may be more difficult for these people, but then it all comes back.
- If the family is a school of love, how to be families that have broken up? What advice to fathers, moms?
"You know, I can ask you a similar question." How to play football if you have broken legs? Now, there was a tragedy, and there will be no more normal. Everything can not be all right, good and right with a broken family. The only question is to minimize the negative consequences. Some ways are small. That is, to include the child where he will meet the behavioral scenario of a normal adult generous man, where he sees such a person, so that he can then copy it. And how to fill it with love, if dad and mother do not like each other, it is almost impossible already.
I remember the divorce of parents: here you have the universe, here it split in half. This is a crack in your whole world. And it happens because children do not care when we get divorced. People love themselves, first of all, I do not want to change. Here I have one friend, his wife became pregnant:
- Such ugly has become. In general, I can not look at it.
"You did not tell her, of course?"
- Of course, he said.
You idiot, you see. So the family broke up. That is, people just live themselves, children, not children. It's a tragedy, it's terrible. Now I talked to a woman alone, came to our temple, weeps. Her son married, they had a baby, and the daughter-in-law left. She took the child and left. He lives separately, he looks for the best party. She did not leave for someone, she just left. He is exhausted, he can not. He needs a child every day, she does not give. You see, such monstrous selfishness, what's there to advise? Only pray. Well, there are no recipes, no. Minimize losses - that man falls on the asphalt, you need to take care of your head, so that at least there is no concussion.
- You said about the image of his father in the sport. If this is a girl, then how is it to be?
- I do not even know. I gave my daughter a sambo to do the senior, but I'm there, thank God. But it affected the character. She said in the class to the boys that they should not swear. They began to mock her. She did it alone, no one cursed for a long time, at least with her.
I do not know, I'm here. After all, you know, it's not the father's example that is important for the girl, but an example of the dad's and mother's cohabitation. Here is this tenderness, affection, love. How do they listen to each other, how do they look at each other, how Mom decides the questions and how she knows how to remain the second in the family. This is not transmitted. After all, when the pope leaves, the woman has to perform the role of both the peasant and the women, and you can not get away from it anywhere. We have to decide the questions. In what school to give, mugs, money. Dad comes twice a week, brought to McDonald's, gave the tablet, and he is not. And a number of questions have not gone anywhere, stayed. And my mother knocks at it. Her character changes, and she looks at her son and daughter in a completely different way. And the daughter does not see how Mum obeys Dad. How can it be. Maybe I just did not think about it, did not formulate an answer to your question. Thank you very much for him. Maybe the girl will try to make friends with her family, where the good relationship between mom and dad. Again we are talking about a behavioral scenario.
A young priest at the beginning of the journey must necessarily see a pious elderly priest. And at least a little, a little bit with him to serve and live a parish life. And then he will come back and copy. This is the same principle. Because the girl is getting married, and her mother never listened to anyone, she and her mother commanded. And at work she had to do something to support her family. And how to obey your husband if your husband insists on something. And he, too, was raised by one mother, he is also egoist eerie. He, too, does not know how to exercise power without pride, with humility.
Here is a simple example from another area. Here is Alexander Vasilyevich Suvorov. Everyone knows, and the whole army knew that he was going with the generals before the battles from the bivouac to the bivouac, soldiers were sitting, burning a fire. He approaches and says: "Brothers, how do you think, how to advance, how to defend yourself?" Everyone starts to advise. The soldier asks the Field Marshal. And everyone knows that if he hears the case, he will tell the generals: here, this one is right, we'll do it tomorrow. And the whole army knows that he needs to act correctly, and not in his own way, and therefore they all obey him and respect him. Where is this example taken?
But, maybe, really, the girl, it is important for them to spend the night at the weekend with friends. Here they are waiting for all this, children. Maybe try to find a family where normal relations between parents are parochial. And so that she looked, she visited. Maybe somehow.
- You said about original sin. And if the child is projected this situation? He recognizes himself as a person, separating himself from his mother. It turns out to realize himself as a person, he needs to act against the will of the parent?
- He needs to exercise his will, at the age of transition, he associates it with opposition to the will of the parents, yes. This is his mistake, in time he will understand that it is necessary to do the right thing, but he needs to grow. You know, we had such a case at the parish, my husband was yelling at his wife, pious, believing, knocking his fist on the table so violently that he broke his arm. Yet you can decide differently. But really, the child needs to learn. He will pass this transitional age. You see, he loves his father, mother, they are dear to him. And he himself is sick of the fact that he quarrels with them. He then does not find a place for himself, he asks for forgiveness, he develops this skill. He gets relief from this. And if you have this connection with him, he will calmly come to that again - like a sound and a smell. But it is also important that parents respect the will of the child, and that he knows that they are ready to listen to him.
We have two tasks, they may sound like the opposite: the first - he must learn to live without us, the second - he must learn to do the right thing. When teaching correct actions, he must break as little firewood as possible so as not to erase his future life. They enter into contradictions, these tasks. He should give, especially to the boy, more and more of a space for which he answers himself, for some decision. And this is also a process of education. You say: "This is what you will decide for yourself. Do you want this? Now, do you want to do painting or music? Or do you want to go to the carpentry? "You see, he likes this more than music, so he has to go for it. Maybe this is really his way.