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Lonely and unhappy: is there a crown of celibacy?

She is successful, attractive, sociable, intelligent and lonely. Men perceive it only as a friend, colleague, companion, and indeed it did not consider them as potential mates. Why is this?

Revision feelings
Explaining that statistically more women or that "normal men died as a class" - not an excuse. Otherwise can only accept loneliness. But I am sure of 3-3,5 billion men in the world, for every woman there is a couple of million, which would come to her and with whom she would be happy. If this does not happen, then there is a reason. Something she does not, or does so, why in her life she only appear unsuitable men.

What does a woman look for in a relationship? Proximity and safety. And while at a deep level, he feels distrust and disrespect towards men. It would seem that the puzzle does not form dramatically. But in fact at the heart of any behavior there is, so-called, "secondary benefit". And alone too. Given its obvious disadvantages, there are pluses - freedom, for example: "Yes, I'm lonely, it's unpleasant." But no one will hurt me, I do not have to break myself, spend my soul and physical strength on the development of relations, do not rebuild my everyday life, interests, etc. ". And if a woman realizes "living better together", if she becomes confronted with the "relationship or security" dilemma, she will always have to choose: either learn to take risks and build relationships, or ... leave things as they are. But if such a choice is made consciously, then it will not be possible to cry any more: "I so want, I try so hard, and around me there are some bastards and nothing happens." Unfortunately, in real life, such introspection is very rare. Usually we do not make such clear "revisions" of our feelings, benefits, actions and omissions. We are not as free as we think and as we would like. Each of us carries behind him a backpack of life experience, which over the years is getting heavier. Of course, there are many useful skills and pleasant memories, but there are many unnecessary, outdated and even harmful. So let's see what we carry with us, and we will give up what we do not need.

Personal experience
This is what we experienced in relationships for our lives: love, passion, hope, joy, betrayal, disappointment, resentment ... Yes, sometimes it seems that there was more bad. But the ancients did not say in vain: "anything that does not kill us makes you stronger". It would seem, survive the grief, learn the lesson and go further. But memory fixes on the bad, because it's scary: the situation can repeat itself. And fear does not diminish the possibility of repetition, rather the opposite: the more we are afraid of something ("and this one throws ?!"), the more likely that it will happen. When there is a drama in life, our soul seems to "freeze" in that extremely painful situation, and tries either "to change everything in another way", or diligently "pushes out" the memory, as if nothing happened. Over time, it seems that the pain has passed and everything has been forgotten, but in fact the soul is still "there." And that's when a new woman looks at any new man through the prism of negative experience, giving it in advance with nonexistent, but expected "disgusting" qualities, or in general subconsciously chooses only those who already fit these criteria.

Some errors
Try to analyze their stories honestly answer the following questions: What do you expect from a relationship with these men? What are you afraid now in a relationship and why?

I agree: on a life journey each of us gets not only good people, but also bad people. But even if there were more of them, do we have to count them all? If you think carefully, then for sure it turns out that you also met other men - kind, responsible, "normal". How did the relationship develop with them? Have you let them into your life? Or, maybe, it's not as interesting with them as with "bad boys"? And now the main question is what do you expect from life and relationships, can those men whom you like give? The choice is always with us. But only often we do it unconsciously or under the influence of the attitudes that were laid in us in childhood.

Children's fears
Assume an indisputable fact that many problems come from childhood. How develops our personal lives, to a very large extent zavisisit from what was our parents. Were they happy together? If yes - it's great! In front of your eyes is the image on which you can rely on. And if Dad drank and beat her mother? Or it did not happen?

The child, like a sponge, absorbs everything that happens around, even if they do not talk about it. All that parents do for him is right, even if life then shows something different. At the age of up to five years, stereotypes are laid, which form our picture of the world. And most importantly - in the future life "throws up" is exactly what corresponds to this image. If a woman does not have a personal life with the father of her daughter, then do not doubt: her daughter will treat the men just as wary: "Walk and throw!". She will have some kind of selective perception, in which she will see only those men who fit the expectations. After all, if "ALL men drink or beat," then she simply will not notice others. Others do not exist, as it were. The main paradox is that even if a woman meets another man, she will "break" him and provoke him until he leaves or does what she expects of him - she starts drinking or beating. And then she will breathe a sigh of relief: "I was right!".

Some errors
Try to realize parental settings that you subconsciously think its owned and. Was the father in the family? As it relates to your mother and to women in general? How was your relationship with him? Was happy mom and dad? As it relates to men in general? What did she say about what should be a woman? Did you talk about sex? On the women's happiness? And remember the main thing that parents or handed to us, they are not to blame - it was their experience with one hope - that it will help us to be happy.

Crown of celibacy
Once on a TV show a woman from the audience said: "I am a virgin in the third generation!" and sincerely could not understand, than so all has cheered. I understand what she meant: for women in her kind, men did not have a place - they performed their biological function - they started the baby and disappeared. The existence of such a "fertilizer" women themselves simply forgot. This example refers to the generic behavior model. And it also influences relations. Such models are passed from generation to generation and touch on important topics: attitudes toward money, sex, the opposite sex, parenting, betrayal, divorce, etc.

Once our parents were young, and grandparents too. And they had their parents, to their fate, which could be happy or not. They just absorbed attitudes that become generic behaviors. Any such model was once the right - for the time, or the situation of the individual.

Imagine a young family of 70 years ago - husband, wife, young children. It seems to be all right, there are joys and difficulties, but solvable. Suddenly, war begins, the man is taken to the front, where he does not return. You can say at the level of the mind that he fulfilled his duty and acted like a real man. But in her soul a woman perceives his departure as a betrayal. All that they previously carried together, now, for the survival of children, she had to take over. She unconsciously formed the feeling that "men can not be trusted, they will leave at a difficult moment." How does the woman live next? Suppose she found the strength and pulled the situation. But for this she had to give up a lot - the opportunity to be "weak" and faith in men. At the same time, she "acquired" - became a "strong woman" with distrust and contempt for men. And, whether she wants it or not, her image and worldview is an example for children ...

As time passed, the conditions have changed - that contributed to the survival time, now do not need or even a hindrance. But the model is something ingrained, become natural and not even realize why they should live that way. Man lives, largely repeating the fate of their ancestors, and without thinking about it. And only when the adopted model begins to contradict the new conditions, we feel "something is wrong" ...

Almost all my customers complaining about problems in the relationship, found much in common with the personal life mother or grandmother. It is difficult to be happy if no such experience you personally, nor the sight of ...

Some errors
Try to escape from the memories and continue the phrase "men - this is ...", "we can expect from men ...". Say the first thing that comes to mind ... This is your relationship model. And when you become aware of them, they expire. They are strong when we live blindly, without thinking. And when we understand where that comes from and how affects our lives, we can change. To do this, we must separate their lives and their experience of life of their ancestors. You - the other. And you can live differently.

Conclusion

All three layers - a personal experience, children's stereotypes and generic models can be strongly Binding with each other. Something will have more influence, something almost no effect and is used by inertia. But if you can straighten things out and sort through - that where "grown" and whether it is useful to you now, this will be enough to start changing.

Source: delfi.lv

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