Today: 22 September 2018
The song "Talk to me, mom" implies togetherness touching two women, wise counsel and tender affection of one another. However, mother's voice may sound wise and not out of place. Finding the "Mother footprint 'of their problems can be at least partially alleviate them.
Our view of our own bodies depends heavily on the mother. Batting and feeding the baby, mother gives him her mood through touch and even with the help of thoughts. It happens that during the feeding process, a woman watches TV or talks on the phone with her friend, as she does not want to spend time talking with her son or daughter, or does not consider these moments as part of the relationship. The mother may not have the desire to stroke the child, embrace and praise him. Contacts are reduced to what is needed only to maintain life (washing, dressing, feeding), and mental needs are ignored, as if a child is not a person, but an object. Absence, a small amount or "inanimation" of physical contacts with the mother can lead to the fact that the boy or girl begins to treat their body as something unimportant, insignificant. Or completely shameful if parents allow themselves to scoff, for example, over teenage stoop, fullness or acne.
"In high school, I sometimes took my mother's cosmetic bag and tried to paint, - says Arina. - She did not forbid me this, but always afterwards she said something like: "You can not give a blush in general. She's smeared like a nesting doll! "Now I do not use makeup at all." It is assumed that girls learn female behavior from their mother, listening to her advice and watching her - how she dresses, how she moves, paints, takes care of herself. However, when the mother, even from good intentions, now and then emphasizes the mistakes and shortcomings of the daughter, the result can be a complete rejection of femininity.
When we really start to be interested in relationships, we have to ask about whom - from girlfriends, from our older sister, you can read something about men in books or on the Internet. However, by this time, some, most likely unconscious, beliefs about friendship, love and cooperation have already been formed, and in many respects precisely thanks to my mother. Imagine an anecdotal situation when the daughter is interested in her parents, what is the name of the hybrid of man and horse, and the pope answers: "Centaur". And about the hybrid of a man and a goat, Mom maliciously and angrily throws: "Man!" In combination with overheard remarks that men can not be trusted, the girl will draw from this family experience a dubious "wisdom": everyone just thinks how to deceive her. And men and women, and you can not be trusted and bound in any case ... It is unlikely that she will have a good relationship with her friends and colleagues, not to mention her husband and children.
"My mother is just a storehouse of terrible stories about unfaithful spouses, treacherous traitors," laughs Tamara, "and she told them to me when I barely turned 12. Mum's friends also like to talk about this topic and always invite me to the table: "Go, it's good for you to listen!" I'm not married and, frankly, I'm not going to - I would not want to become the heroine of one of such stories. " Researchers studying family relationships have the term "Amazon families". These are families in which the belief that a man is fit only for the conception of a child is broadcast from generation to generation, and living with him makes no sense. Women of this kind either do not marry at all, or divorce quickly, giving birth to children. It is interesting that girls from "Amazons" are born more often than boys. And they are brought up in the same vein, repeating the life scenario of my grandmother, mother and elder sister.
"Girls who attend college, the brain becomes bigger and heavier. Blood thus flows to the brain and casts from the uterus, as a result of which a woman can become barren, "wrote once Edward Clark, a professor at Harvard University. It was in 1873 year, and, it would seem, now no one thinks so. Except for some moms. Of course, without going into the details of female physiology, they are ready to admit that the professor was fundamentally wrong. But at the same time they convince the daughters that studies or work will certainly turn away potential husbands from them. Do this, including those mothers whose family life has developed quite happily. The mistake they make is that they are not interested in what the girl wants.
"When I tell my mother that I'm going to the theater with former classmates, she asks in a troubled voice:" What about Anton? "- says Elena. - I have told her so many times that my husband can not stand theaters and never goes with them in them. And she, in return, begins to convince me that Anton necessarily uses these evenings somehow badly. And almost convinced - in the theater I'm sitting on my nerves and I think that it would be better if my husband and I went instead to go to the park. " The main role in sad conversations about the dangers of studying plays a stereotype - unfortunately, not always incorrect - that smart women do not like men. As, however, and all who overtook them on the social and career ladder. The sad Russian situation with the low duration of male life all only aggravates. And women listen to "maternal wisdom", denying themselves a career, a dissertation, a second higher education or even a hike to a museum without a husband and reading serious books.
Confidence in the world
Basic trust or distrust of the world is formed in the child in the first year of life. It depends on how timely and correctly the mother recognizes his needs and desires and is always ready to come to his aid. But even if the mother is always there and does not disappear from the field of vision for a long time, he feels her increased anxiety. Becoming older, the child is interested in exploring the world, reaching out to the animals, trying to go down the stairs independently, climb a tree, swim, go on a hike with the class or at least stay overnight with a friend. And then he hears: "Stop it! You'll fall! Will bite! It's necessary to sleep at home! "This is how the idea of a hostile world is formed, with which it is better not to come into contact and stay as long as possible at home.
"Mom, I try to talk about my life as neutral as possible," says Catherine. - She does not know when I'm sick, has no idea that I went to a ski resort in the winter not in a sanatorium near Moscow. I hide what the ferret has got, otherwise it will get scared. Mom looks on television all sorts of terrible TV shows and clings even to neutral messages. If I bought bananas, she will tell about the opening of British scientists: bananas are very harmful. So I get off with the words: "Everything is fine with me." It's good when natural curiosity and strong character take over and a person lives his life without notifying the mother. And in another version, she will be worried about another reason - that her daughter is going home from work, and on Sundays she is cleaning or watching TV and is not going to meet and give birth to grandchildren.
In a joke, a woman complains to a doctor that she does not have children, and the doctor answers: "Maybe it's hereditary ... Tell me, did your mother have children?" And laughter and sin. Some mothers actually behave as if they do not have children, while others tell us that it would be better not to have them, and this can affect the decision of these children about their own parenting. A detailed, often repeated story about difficult births, regrets about an incomplete abortion or pressure: "A woman without children is not a woman! Here will be their own, then you will understand me, but for the time being, what can I talk about with you ... "All this the girl can cause is not at all gratitude for maternal work and not understanding the value of children, but a backlash. For example, an aversion to reproductive efficiency and a desire to prove that without children it is possible to be happy. In this case, she will say: "My books are my children", or "My roles are my children", or adore pets, calling them "daughter" and "son". Sometimes she does not even suspect that she is still fruitless arguing with her mother about what is really important in life.
"My mom is constantly telling me about how hard she gave birth to me, what an impossible pain experienced as I yelled at night and how she abandoned her studies - said Nonna. - To 20 I was convinced that the children - it's awful. Everywhere I found proof. Girlfriend giving birth, stay in school, Tolstel, glupeli complained that there was no time for myself, that children get sick, rude or not sleep at home. I sometimes regret that I have a cat instead of a child, but I remember my mother's colorful stories and think, and yet she was right. "